Friend...

Have you ever asked a simple question at work, only to have your manager or coworker react defensively—like you’ve just questioned their entire existence? Maybe you’ve been on the other side, feeling like every question is a subtle jab at your competence.

This dynamic is more common than we talk about, and it often stems from past workplace trauma. If someone has spent years under manipulative leadership, where questions were used as traps or disguised critiques, they might struggle to see curiosity as anything but a challenge. And if trust has never been part of their professional (or personal) experience, it makes sense that they’d brace for impact anytime someone asks, “Why do we do it this way?”

But here’s the thing: Questions are not critiques. They’re opportunities. Opportunities to clarify, to improve, to collaborate. When we shut down questions, we’re not just protecting our ego—we’re limiting what’s possible.

If You Struggle With Feeling Questioned

If questions immediately put you on the defensive, try this:

• Pause before reacting. Ask yourself, “Is this a genuine question, or am I assuming an attack?”
• Separate the question from past experiences. Your coworker isn’t your old toxic boss. Give them a fair shot.
• Reframe it as curiosity. Assume positive intent. What if they just want to learn, not undermine you?

If You Have a Manager or Coworker Who Reacts Poorly to Questions

• Validate before asking. Start with, “I really appreciate the work you’ve put into this. I have a question about…”
• Stay neutral. Avoid “why” questions (which can feel accusatory) and try “What led to this decision?” instead.
• Acknowledge their expertise. Sometimes, people need to feel seen before they feel safe answering.

Workplace culture improves when we stop mistaking curiosity for critique. If you’re navigating this dynamic at work, hit reply and tell me how you’ve handled it—I’d love to hear.

Talk soon,
​P.S. I’m curious—have you experienced this at work? Do you feel like questions are welcomed in your workplace, or do they put people on edge? Reply and let me know, or take this quick poll to share your experience!

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